"Aha moment"

I was looking into myself, I was ashamed for what I had ate that day and ashamed I haven't been working out. I felt really depressed and in despair I didn't know what to do. I hopped into the shower so I could wallow alone, so I could have no one bother me. In the shower I wanted to  let all my emotions out and its where I felt safe to feel my feelings. I started thinking and asked God why? Why can I repent when I treat my body horribly with food but still have the repercussions it has on my body. I had a soothing feeling come over me and it gave me a moment to let me be me. It took my panic, anxiety and constant nag of how I should feel act and look. It allowed me to be who I truly am and feel what I feel. I realized my body is beautiful because God gave it to me as a gift and its beautiful because he made it this way. I felt peace as these things were popping into my head. Then from myself  I felt intense fear that I wasn't worried about what my body looked like and started to panic. Then I had another calming thought "why people take care of their bodies, its because they want to be happy with what they look when they look at them selves. But not in a way that is pressured by society, media or what other people think of you. But something that says you are healthy and you love yourself, You take care of your body because you love yourself and when you are over weight eat bad foods you are not showing your body that love. When you eat right exercise your body will be beautiful because you take care of it. Yes! Its clicked!

Introduction.

Today is April 24, 2016. I am 21 year old female is curious about the world but fear holds me back. My absolute favorite thing I would love to be is a fly on the wall. I live with my parents, have 3 siblings 19, 15, and 5. I have attended one semester of school at UVU, my current goal is to get mentally healthy enough to get back into school. I haven't attended since 2013 and I am terrified of failure what people think of me and coming to terms on how far back in school I am. I am also afraid of hard work, so hopefully I can learn against that as well. I started this blog for no one really but for myself to read, so I can think out loud and observe my behavior and where I can improve on. 

Goals for myself this year? Well I have many things I want to accomplish but I am not exactly sure what would be realistic. I will name them anyway. One I want to get out of my head not think and learn how to have fun, I never let myself ever have any fun and now I am regretting it horribly, this goal also includes social skills. My entire teenage life was about me dying inside, anger, fear of everything and everyone. I want that to change this year

Second goal would be to accept and love myself. I taught this self hatred to myself and obviously have regretted this as well, This one is and has been easily the hardest thing for me to come over. Its frustrating and I hate every
thing about this. I hate how I need to love myself, I hate the effects of not loving myself has on not just me but others as well, I also hate and it makes me have anxiety even thinking about changing the way I feel about myself, "Well why dont you just choose to love yourself?" Is not only what I have been asking myself but I think it would be safe to assume what other people think or would think. I have been going through this guys and its simple process for me.

The third goal I have is to destroy my eating disorder. I have binge eating disorder and  I have a love hate relationship with food. Mostly hate. To describe I will put a definition by the mayoclinic.org

"Binge-eating disorder is a serious eating disorder in which you frequently consume unusually large amounts of food and feel unable to stop eating."  I once tried describing this to a guy I was dating and he said "I love a girl that can eat!" I know he was trying to make me comfortable and be accepting but what it really did was embarrass me to my core and made me so ashamed, I felt so disgusting. I wondered how he could even look at me. My eating disorder not is not one of the kinds people like to hear about and really be okay with being out in the open supporting me. Now I am absolutely not saying that other eating disorders should be glorified or one is worse or better than the other. They are all bad regardless of what eating disorder you have they can all be deadly. This eating disorder has been affected almost all of my life. At the same time I could also say that this eating disorder is contributed too, to a lot that is going in my life.  

Fourth goal is to be strong. Majority of my life I let excuses get the best of me and let them give me a pass to not do something. This really can effect my goal setting and achieving. I really dont have much to say about this other than I just want to improve on this. 

Fifth goal is finding something that makes me happy and that I am passionate about. My mom told me a couple months ago that in my life I never let myself get passionate about anything. That comment hurt but I think I needed to hear it so  I could explore myself a little bit more and really find something that I can be apart of and be apart of this life I have


Sixth one is something that is holding me back from almost everything except for fear, its my expectations of myself. I want to really be realistic and have loving expectations for myself. This one is hard to reverse because ever since I can remember I have told my self, or rather programmed this into myself since I was young. Things like, physically the best fit person that can do anything, have everyone love you, have the perfect body, be mindfully aware of what people like so I can adapt myself to what they want for a friend. Many more things but I think the idea is set. 

These goals are not in order to which one the best or in matters of what is important to me. These goals hopefully I can accomplish this year! I picked these goals because I believe it will make me a better person, and make me happy. I will work alongside with my therapist Dr. Paul Harper to see what we can do to accomplish these. 

P.S. Dont mind the picture I just thought it wouldnt be a blog with out one. Lol.